Offense, Defense and Apology
Our re-started marriage group met for the first time last night. We talked about what we will be studying and I talked some about contracts and covenants in marriage. Mostly we just hung out and talked - getting to know one another.
On the way home I asked Vickie what she thought about the night; how it went. I could tell she was a little reserved - maybe tired or something, but then I asked her what she thought about what I talked about. She said "Well, it was a little repititious and oh by the way, if you ever do that again I’m just going to quit doing things with you". "Do what?" "Embarrass me." "Me?" "Tonite?" "When?" "How?" Wow - we’re in the middle of a mini-crisis and I was completely blindsided. What did I miss?
The Offense
Earlier in the evening, while talking about nutrition and such, Vickie had said "We’re almost completely organic now" to someone. I said "Yeah? Since when is Cool Whip organic?" I thought it was pretty funny and some other people were laughing too. They may have been laughing at something else entirely, but I’m pretty sure my comment added to the levity and light-hearted banter of the evening.
The Defense
This innocuous comment had offended and embarrassed her and I didn’t realize it, so having just spent an hour talking about covenant marriage, naturally, I mounted a defense:
"It was just a joke" This has surely never ended a conflict, especially with your wife. "Oh, I see. Well, now that you mention it, it was pretty funny. Gosh I wish I had realized it was a joke, I wouldn’t have been nearly as humiliated." This response is reflexive; like raising your hands up in front of you right before you are hit by a bus - it’s useless and you look stupid doing it.
"I didn’t mean for it to hurt you." The lamest of lame excuses. "Oh, well then, since you are mearly careless and insensitive rather than malicious and vindictive, forget I mentioned it." Invoking these 2 instinctive defenses virtually pleads your guilt, and assures your conviction.
"I’m sorry if it hurt you." Though I’m not particularly sorry I said it - next time I say something insensitive or mean, soldier up a bit so I don’t have to apologize for something that is clearly your problem. This rounded out my initial appeal to dismiss, but that wasn’t happening.
After a little introspection, I realized I must be magnanimous and apologize, So I said "Vickie, I really am sorry for hurting you and I won’t do it again" She said "Yes you will, you do it all the time". I said "Hyperbole! You used hyperbole! It cancels your argument and I win! I win!" I didn’t really say that, but like most men, I despise inaccuracy - I don’t always do anything.
I must admit here that I well know Vickie is the Queen of Hyperbole. If you have ever talked to her, you’ve heard her say she’s done something 5 million times or she’ll use a quadruple inflective (that color is so, so, so, so you!). She even makes up words because the 20 or 30,000 available in the language are not descriptive enough (pincy-winny means very, very small in Vickish). I know she meant that I do it a lot.
The Apology
Nevertheless, I was put off by having now to apologize for yet another offense, though after some more introspection I had to admit (to myself) that I did like to use her as a jumping off point for my jokes and that maybe gigging her on the domestic front was little below the belt.
So I sat down to figure out how I could say "I’m really, really, really sorry and I really won’t do that anymore" with any kind of credibility. As I was constructing my soliloquy, Vickie came in the room and said " I’m sorry I got so mad at you, will you forgive me?"
Unbeleivable! In that short apology she embodied everything I had been talking about concerning a covenant marriage. She took unilateral responsibility to mend our broken fellowship by offering an apology she didn’t owe. She did it graciously, witholding nothing and requiring nothing in return. I spent half the day and the entire evening studying and talking about this subject and she was wearing it like an old shoe - it was second nature to her.
Man, she is gonna pay for this.
