Whole Messages
This is about expressing yourself when it counts to the people who mean the most to you. Not about how to be assertive, but how to give complete messages. Whole, uncontaminated messages will convey exactly what you know, think and feel about a subject as well as what you need from the other person as a result of conveying this information.
4 Kinds of Expression
Observations – reporting what your eyes tell you with no speculations, inferences or conclusions – just simple facts.
“ I broke the toaster this morning”, “It was 102 degrees this afternoon”
Thoughts – Conclusions and inferences drawn from what you have heard, seen, read and observed. Attempts to sythesize your observations so you can understand the why and how of events. They may also incorporate value judgements in which you decide something is right or wrong. Beliefs, opinions, theories and conclusions are included.
“unselfishness is essential for a successful marriage” (belief),
“Log Cabin is the only syrup worth buying” (theory)
Feelings – Shared feelings are the building blocks of intimacy. Some people do not want to hear about them or are intimidated, threatened or frightened by emotion – they can be selectively receptive. However, 2 things happen when people are allowed to know what angers, threatens and pleases you – they have greater empathy and can better modify their behavior to meet your needs.
“I feel like I let you down and it really bothers me”.
“I’m checking my reactions and I feel stunned and a little angry at you”
(not the same as thoughts – “sometimes I feel like you are a little rigid” has nothing to do with feelings – it’s a value judgement)
Needs – You are the only one that knows what you need. Many have strong injunctions against expressing needs and rely on the clairvoyance of others to discern it. Since they will not say, needs are often expressed with a head of anger or resentment. (I’m wrong to ask and you’re wrong to make me have to)
“Can you be home before 9:00 so I can go to bed early and not worry?”
“I need you to sit down and work this out with me”.
Whole messages include all 4 kinds of expressions – what you see, think, feel and need. It is how we know the real person. When you leave something out, it’s a partial message It creates confusion and distrust- people sense something is left out but don’t know what.
People are turned off by judgements untempered by feelings and hopes.
They will resist hearing anger without the story of your anger and frustration.
They are suspicious of conclusions without supporting observations.
People are uncomfortable with demands growing from unexpressed feelings and assumptions.
Not every relationship demands whole messages – the majority of communication is simply informational, but partial messages are boobytraps later in important relationships. When you are finally forced to come out and say what you really mean it’s often out of anger or frustration.
Ask the following to know if you are giving whole messages:
1. Have I expressed what I know to be fact?
2. Have I expressed and clearly labeled my conclusions and inferences?
3. Have I expressed my feelings without blame or judgement?
4. Have I shared my needs without blame or judgement?
Contaminated Messages
When messages are mixed or mislabeled.
“ I see you’re wearing that old dress again” might actually mean:
1. That dress is a little frayed and has an ink spot (observation)
2. I don’t think it’s nice enough for dinner with our friends (thought – judgement)
3. I’m afraid they will think it’s an unimportant event to us (feeling)
Not merely ommission – you are not leaving out your feelings and judgements, but you are disguising them. The easiest way to contaminate a message is to make the content simple and straightforward, but say it in a tone of voice that betrays your feelings
Preparing Your Message
Examine your own inner experience. Is the stated purpose of your statement the same as your real purpose? What are you afraid of saying? What do you need to communicate? Run things over until each part is clear and distinct – separate what you observe and know from what you believe and surmise. Contact your feelings and find a way to say them. Arrive at a non-threatening way to express your need.
Audience analysis precedes the message. Are they in shape to hear what you have to say? Can they pay attention? Are they angry, tired or hungry?
Effective Expression
• Know when something needs to be said – don’t assume people know what you think or want.
• Don’t make any assumptions except that people haven’t the faintest idea what goes on inside you.
• Don’t ask a question when you need to make a statement.
• Keep the message congruent – content, body language, tone of voice.
• Avoid double messages - don’t kick the dog while you are petting it.
• Be clear about your wants and feelings – hints don’t work, especially for we men.
• Distinguish between observations and thoughts.
• Focus on one thing at a time.
• Keep the message straight – (Make sure the stated purpose is the same as the real purpose).
