happily marred

Most of us were taught as youngsters about the 4 types of loves.
We have given the word “love” to apply to most every kind of human attachment, and the Greeks have further defined those kinds of love:

Storge (affection)
Philia (brotherly love, friendship)
Eros (that’s obvious)
Agape (love of God)

But only in marriage can every kind of love available to us as humans find its legal and rightful place. Even though these loves are defined by certain relationships, they all are intended to teach us about the love of God, after all he IS love, not just a TYPE of love (agape).

Affection is defined primarily (but not only) as the love of a parent for a child and vice versa. It is instinctual and elemental; without it we will die.

The bible uses this kind of love often for an example of God’s caring of us:

Deuteronomy 32:11. "As an eagle stirs up her nest, hovers over her young, spreads out her wings, takes them up, and bears them on her pinions, so the Lord alone has guided the children of Israel."
Luke 13:34, when Jesus cries over Jerusalem, saying "How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you were not willing!"
Isaiah 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you," says the Lord.

There is an indiscriminate character to affection which easily overlooks the apparent fitness of the beloved, that approaches the grace of God itself.

But affection extends far beyond the bounds of parent and child. It is the least discriminating of loves. We see people for whom we can imagine no possible eros type love or friendship who are befriended by the most unlikely and unalike people. It transcends even the barrier of species.

Affection however demands familiarity. We might be able to name the date and hour we fell in love or a friendship began – not so with affection. By the time we acknowledge it, it has taken hold. Affection is modest and puts up no airs. When remarking how common it is to see affection between cat and dog in the home, some said “yes, but I’ll bet no dog admits it to other dogs”

It often is an outgrowth of appreciative love and yet it is often quite acceptable to “take-for-granted” the object of your affection, because unlike erotic love, it is seldom if ever spoken of between people.

Affection is an elemental part of other loves. CS Lewis says the other loves would not wear well without affection as a part of them.

It is not the same as friendship. Not born of the same stuff, but when friendship becomes an old friendship, long after the initial thing that drew 2 people together has passed, affection remains for its own sake.

How could you maintain through years, sickness and health, rich and poor with only erotic love? Without the comfortable familiarity of knowing and being known.

We may say we have chosen our friends and our love for their various excellences – beauty, frankness, wit, intelligence, etc. This is why we say “they were made for me” But our affection for someone may grow in spite of the lack of any attraction in these areas.

You may begin to feel affection for someone that if not for the shear chance of being born in the same home, living in the same community, working together, you would have paid no mind at all. In a fit of insight, you may say “You know, old so and so is a pretty good guy in his own way”

That “in his own way” means we are getting beyond our own idiosyncrasies. That we are learning to appreciate goodness, intelligence, even godliness even if it is not flavoured to suit our own palate.

Someone said “dogs should always be raised with cats – it broadens their minds so”. Affection broadens ours. Of all natural loves, it is the most catholic, the broadest. Having a great many friends whom you have made for yourself does not prove your taste for a wide range of human excellence.

Affection creates this taste, drawing us out of ourselves – teaching us first to notice, then to endure, then to smile at, then to enjoy and finally to appreciate the people who “happen to be there”. Made for us? Hardly – they are often stranger than we would have believed.

This is affection at its best, turning people on to the majesty and service of God. When our relationships as parents and children, children and parents, become oriented in this way they have the potential to draw us close the meaning of life itself. When we give our children to God, right from the beginning, we allow God to shape and form our affections into the very image of his love for us

HOWEVER

As with all human loves, however sincere, there is corruption and we can never fully love as God loves. We often come to expect this affection from others, and because of our mammalian instincts we come to believe we are due this love. Often, because of the nurturing nature it happens without notice, as naturally as growing old, but what if it does not?

What if that unreasonable demand to love your parent (especially if you are demanded to love in the way they deem fit) begins to drive you the other way? What of the child who takes advantage of the parents love? What of the parent who dotes until it drives everyone crazy? Does this serve God’s purpose in this love?

Luke 14:26 Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple."

Of course, the whole point of affection is lost if we don’t apply Godly principles to keep it on the right track. If that love is not founded on true caring for the soul of that individual, it invites a selfishness that strives to feed itself on good feelings – narcissism run amok.

Affection risks its own destruction whenever it becomes an end in itself rather than a means to God.