Real Listening
Listening is an essential skill for making and maintaining relationships. Listen well and people are drawn to you – fail to listen and you are a bore, giving the message “I don’t care what you have to say”.
And it doesn’t matter that you could quote verbatim what a person just said if that person does not believe you were listening.
For the most part, people who do not listen rarely figure out what’s wrong with them and their relationships. They will try to re-invent themselves, buy new clothes, memorize jokes, etc. in an effort to attract and keep friends.
It’s dangerous not to listen well, you miss important information and you fail to see problems coming.
People like to talk about themselves (you probably do too) and they will tell you why they do what they do if you listen to them. If you do not, you are forced to guess and mind-read to fill in the gaps of understanding….which, coincidently is the point!
Seek to understand before being understood.
Blocks to Listening
There are 12 blocks to listening that we all use from time to time. Some are old friends and others are held in reserve for certain people and situations. Being familiar with them will help us recognize them when we use them.
Comparing makes it hard to listen because you are trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy, wealthier, your relative positions in your world. You are focusing all your listening skills to a very narrow band of information you need to make these assessments.
with whom do you use this block?
Mind Reading The mind reader doesn’t pay much attention to what people say. In fact they often distrust it. They try to figure out what the other person is thinking or feeling. They will pay more attention to subtle cues and vocal intonations rather than words to get to the real truth. Mind readers rely on intuition and hunches and often make assumptions about how people react to them.
with whom do you use this block?
Rehearsing. You try to look interested, but all the while you are preparing a response – even an entire series of responses…”I’ll say…, then she’ll say…” etc. Maybe you’re rehearsing a segue into what you want to talk about – maybe it’s you!
Filtering is like data mining; we look for certain information to ascertain our boss or spouses mood, if your kid is in trouble at school or whether that cop is going to give you a ticket or a warning. Once you have the information you’re looking for (aaah… she’s not still mad about me getting home late Thursday night) your mind begins to wander.
Another way we filter is to filter out things we don’t want to hear, particularly negative, threatening or critical things. At some point that behavior can be pathological, but we often employ it to avoid unpleasantness.
Judging or pre-judging someone or a statement as stupid, nuts, unqualified, immoral, hypocritical, etc. causes you to start preparing your knee-jerk defenses and come-backs, often failing to hear the arguments and missing critical information.
Dreaming is when you are half-listening and something someone says triggers a chain of private associations. This happens to me when “chatting” on the phone. Everyone does it at some time and it takes a Herculean effort to stay tuned in. If you dream a lot with certain people, it may indicate a lack of commitment to knowing or appreciating them.
Identifying. (No one is going to cop to this one) You take everything a person says and relate it back to your own experiences. Before the person can finish their story, you launch into the exciting tales of your life.
Advising One of the most basic breakdown blocks between men and women. You don’t need to hear more than a few sentences before you start forming a plan to fix whatever the problem is. By the time the person is disseminating the details of the problem, you’re already formulating alternative strategies. In the meantime, you didn’t hear the feeling, acknowledge the person’s pain or connect with them personally which is probably what they were after in the first place unless they came to you specifically for advice.
Sparring Some people are so ready to disagree with you they can hardly hear when you say something they do agree with – they look for opportunities to disagree. Sometimes this is a feature of people’s personality, but it can be brought on in otherwise agreeable people by being tired, a bad mood, feeling put-upon or oppressed.
Another type of sparring is discounting. When you decline a sincere compliment or run yourself down trying to be humble. The person may feel that you never heard their appreciation…and they are right.
Being Right means you will go to any length to avoid being wrong – twist facts, shout, make accusations, call up past sins, etc. Your convictions are unshakable. You will often miss an opportunity to agree or compromise because you are in defense mode listening for an opening to prove your superiority.
Derailing is a listening block which aims to change the subject by joking it off because you are bored or uncomfortable with the subject. You continually respond to whatever is said with a joke or quip to avoid the discomfort or anxiety in seriously listening to the other person. If the other person calls you on it, you might go to another blocking technique and act offended just to shut down the line subject.
Placating “right, right, absolutely right….I know…of course you are…Incredible…really, yes” You want everyone to like you, so what is being said is not really important, just as long as the result is you are still on good terms.
what is your most common blocking technique… with others…with your spouse…co-workers…boss…church people…non-Christians?
Four Steps to Effective Listening
Active Listening - We want to go beyond passively absorbing information – become a collaborator and help the person speaking to make their point or convey information accurately and precisely. As men we above all should embrace this because we LOVE preciseness in communication! And yet…
Paraphrasing – repeat what you’ve heard in your words – simple. The payoff is:
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People appreciate being heard
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It stops escalating anger and cools down the crisis
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Stops miscommunication, false assumptions, misinterpretations
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Helps you remember what was said
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It is the antidote to most listening blocks
Clarifying – ask questions until it’s clear what is being said. Listening blocks are not the only impediment to communication. Filters work both ways and sometimes the person does not state clearly what they mean in their words.
Feedback - must be immediate, honest and supportive to promote understanding. No one wants to know how you feel until they know you understand them. Once you understand what is being communicated – give your feedback framed in that understanding and in love “”I get the feeling there’s something you’re not telling me” is easier to take than “You’re holding out on me!”
Listen With Empathy - There is only one requirement here; to understand that everyone is just trying to survive – physically and psychologically. Every moment is designed to preserve your existence if you are not a Christian. We have a right to expect more from those that call themselves Christian, but many of the motivations are the same.
Our ability to hear goes down precipitously when someone is angry, wallowing in self-pity, manipulating, etc. Try to ask yourself this:
What need is the source of this behavior?
What danger is this person experiencing?
What are they asking for?
Listening With Openness – What it does not mean is to be ready to disavow all your closely held beliefs and convictions. It is more akin to playing the part of anthropologists studying an ancient or foreign culture with differing social standards, religious beliefs, etc. and trying to understand how those things motivated them.
The fear of being wrong has vast proportions. This is because your opinions and beliefs are closely tied to your self esteem. Being wrong can equal being stupid, bad or worthless.
Listening With Awareness – There are 2 components of listening with awareness. First is to compare what is being said to your own knowledge of history, events and the way things are. (Are you lying to me?)
The other is to hear and observe congruence. Does the content of what the person is saying match their tone of voice, emphasis, facial expressions and posture? If they don’t fit, it is your job as the listener to clarify the discrepancy. If you don’t, you are settling for an incomplete or confusing message.
Finally, you must convince the person that you are listening to get the most out of your communication. These actions say “I want to understand you”. They also help us to stay engaged as listeners:
Maintain good eye contact
Lean slightly forward
Reinforce the speaker by nodding or paraphrasing
Clarify by asking questions
Actively move away from distractions
