Marital Duty - The Wife
Here’s the next logical section on marital duties. This time, it’s the women’s turn in the basket. Again, some of these concepts feel foreign to my ears, but they are based in scripture.
My feeling is that, it takes a more than following a recipe to apply these concepts to our lives. The bible is written for us in the context of our faith and acceptance of Christ, not assuming our worldview is taken from the society we live in. Therefore, some instructions require adaptation to our time and place in history as Christians.
Again, here’s the chapter in full:
from "Reforming Marriage" by Douglas Wilson
Biblical Duties of Wives
In any discussion of a wife’s duties, we must understand the context of these duties. The previous section did not just give us “the husbands’ part,” with this section giving us “the wives’ part.” Rather, all the responsibilities for wives listed below can legitimately be added to the husbands’ list of responsibilities. Not only is he responsible before God to do his job, he is responsible before God to see that she does hers. And of course, this is not done by bossing her around. It is done through nourishing and cherishing her.
First, as noted previously, a wife must respect her husband (Eph. 5:22, 33). The fundamental duty of the husband is to love his wife. By way of contrast, the fundamental duty of the wife is to respect her husband. Man and woman are oriented to one another so differently that their fundamental duties to one another are different as well. Respect in this situation entails both honor and obedience. Now of course wives are to love their husbands because the Bible requires all believers to love their neighbors as themselves. But when the Bible turns to particular wifeiy duties, the emphasis is upon respect and not love.
A wife should also, under the providence of God, bear children. “Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control” (1 Tim. 2:15). Furthermore, she should nurture those children, and care for them with great tenderness. “But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children” (1 Thes. 2:7). This is not just given as an example, it is positively commanded—”admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children” (Tit. 2:4).
A wife must not complain in her fruitfulness. The fruitfulness of childbearing and childrearing is frequently very hard work. How could it not be? Nevertheless, it is God’s doing (Gen. 3:16), and it is the wife’s duty to submit to the will of God and gladly bear children for her husband.
Incidentally, she should not boast in her fruitfulness either. All boasting should be in the Lord. Sometimes, in reaction to the “anti-children” mentality of the modern world, some Christian women have taken to bearing children almost as an act of defiance and rebellion. But we must not be reactionaries against the world; rather, we must all live before the Lord. The biblical response to fruitfulness is that of gladness.
The Bible also gives wives the duty of being industrious in the home. Paul instructs Titus to have “the older women [be] teachers of good things—that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed” (Tit. 2:3—5). The instruction is that the younger women are to be homemakers, involved in domestic pursuits. Not only are they to be home, they are to be productive at home. Industry in the home means hard work in cleaning, cooking, child-rearing, and so forth. It is possible to disobey God through neglect of the dishes.
Of course this is hard work, especially when the little ones are young. Many wives, when they go through this experience, are tempted to treat “being tired” as though it were a symptom of having done something wrong. Rather, it is a symptom of having done many things right.
If a woman is competent, and she should be, in due time her industry will take her outside the home (Prov. 31:10— 31). The Bible does not teach that the woman’s place is in the home; it requires that the home be her priority, but she is not at all limited to the home.
A related duty requires that a wife keep the home wellsupplied with food and clothing. “She is like the merchant ships, she brings her food from afar.. . . She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed with scarlet” (Prov. 31:14,21). If her husband works hard to supply her with money for these needs, as he is required to do, then she must be a responsible steward of what he gives. She is not to be frivolous. Shopping should be treated, not as entertainment and luxury but as work. As a steward involved in work, she must be diligent.
A wife must meet her husband’s sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:2—5). This involves more than just being “willing” whenever “he wants it”; it involves being a responsive lover.
Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down in his shade with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me. I charge you, 0 daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. (Song 2:3—7)
God has given the sexual relationship in marriage as a protection against immorality. It is important that this purpose be remembered, especially by wives. Women have a tendency to be insulted at their husbands’ temptations, and an insulted and offended wife is no protection at all.
A wife must carefully avoid nagging and arguing. We are told the “contentions of a wife are a continual dripping” (Prov. 19:13). Solomon also reminds us that a “continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; .whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15—16). God has given women great abilities with the tongue, and they must use this ability to help their husbands. A wise woman knows the power of her words, and so conforms them to the Word of God. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness (Prov. 31:26). A foolish woman just thinks the house needs the constant background noise, and tears the place down with her tongue.
The Bible also teaches that a wife should be a disciple of her husband. “Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church” (1 Cor. 14:34—35). A husband should be instructing and teaching his wife. She should not make this duty of his superfluous by going elsewhere for the instruction. There is no inconsistency between submission and intelligence. In this regard it is good for wives to remember Abigail, a beautiful, submissive, and intelligent woman (1 Sam. 25:3,41).
A Christian wife should be hard-working in works of charity. On this the Bible is really quite plain. When Paul is considering the kind of widow who may be supported by the Christian church, he sets the standard high.
Do not let a widow under sixty years old be taken into the number, and not unless she has been the wife of one man, well reported for good works: if she has brought up children, if she has lodged strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she has relieved the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good work. (1 Tim. 5:9—10)
We also have the example of the productivity of the ideal wife of Proverbs. “She extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy” (Prov. 31:20).
A woman who understands all these duties, and labors faithfully at them, is frankly a woman who is priceless. Her husband has received a great blessing, as he well knows. So have the children, and all who come into contact with that household. ‘Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies” (Prov. 31:10).
More Discussion Starters
Here’s another list like last week’s. A few questions to get a conversation going. It will help build intimacy in your marriage and within the group. Try a few on your next road trip or quiet dinner.
