Unhealthy Patterns of Communication
Communication is not an event, even though we’ve talked about specific love languages and ways of communicating. It sometimes sounds as if we’re training for an event that will take place and if we have the technical aspects down we’ll succeed.
However, it is not an event in time, but more like breathing; an ongoing process. Love languages are great, but love is not always what we are trying to communicate. More often than not, the things we need to interact with each other about is a lot more pedestrian and uninteresting.
In those times, when we are just trying to get the job done, convey some information or work out a plan of action, we are the least likely to be thinking about how we are communicating and most likely to do it poorly.
Gary Chapman has identified some patterns of poor communication and calls them the 4 “fowls”. He also says that we learn these patterns primarily from our parents. Underlying them all is the intent to manipulate, to maintain emotional stability and/or to feel good about ourselves.
The Dove: Peace at Any Price
One partner placates the other to avoid his/her wrath. “that’s fine with me” “whatever makes you happy”. They are always trying to please the other person, often apologizing even for minor things that “may” irritate the partner. They almost never disagree.
With this kind of communication, resentment builds as they withdraw emotionally to protect themselves. The arguments are rare, but there is no relationship.
Romans 12:18 “If possible on your part, live at peace with everyone”
The Hawk: It’s Your Fault
The hawk blames the spouse for everything. “you never do anything right”, “I don’t understand how you could be so stupid”.
Hawks appear to be strong and beligerent. Often they are emotionally weak and feel bad about themselves. The fault-finding pattern is designed to meet their own emotional weakness. If the spouse has a high level of self esteem, the relationship may be characterized by periods of verbal battleing, if low, the spouse may appear meek, weak and oppressed.
Everyone knows that no one is right all the time, but hawks don’t wait for the answer to the accusation, they just want to make the accusation.
The Owl: Let’s Be Reasonable”
The owl, like a computer, can emulate perfectly reasonable communication skills, argue to logical conclusions and reason out conflicts. However, they are emotionally disengaged. The owl sees himself as reasonable and intellectual. he prides himself on showing no emotion. He waits out the storm of an emotional outburst, then continues to reason.
The problem is that it is hard to develop intimacy without emotion or passion. This behavior is usually a compensation for feelings of inadequacy. If he can control emotions, he feels secure.
Isaiah 1:18 “come now, let us reason together”
The Ostrich: Ignore It And It Will Go Away
This behavior is rooted in a fear of arguing – it feels insecure, unsteady. He ignores the others actions and comments – he does not respond. Conversations are often disconnected and inconclusive. If the person is a doer rather than a talker, he will be engaged in several different unrelated activities at the same time. It is hard to have a cogent discussion because there are rarely any conclusions – he holds few solid convictions.
Jonah 4:2-3 everything will work out anyway.
If you are guilty of one of these patterns of communication, there are steps you can take to change it and start engaging in a more healthy interchange.
1. Identify the pattern.
2. Admit that it’s detrimental and that you do it.
3. Decide that you want it to change.
Healthy communication is largely a choice once you have the knowledge to recognize unhealthy patterns (Eph. 4:22 put off the old man and put on the new.)
It is important to identify these patterns of behavior and begin to change them, but they can be just as detrimental used as tools rather than templates.
In our interactions with each other we adopt many of the characteristics of these behaviors from time to time as we seek an advantage in arguing, as we try to manipulate our partner, try to win. They are just as destructive that way – perhaps more so because you are all the more conscious of what you are doing.
Breaking The Pattern
Rather than resort to war strategies, when stuck in a communication meltdown, get out your "cheat sheet," which will remind you what’s truly important in communication. It’s only one sentence: "Seek to understand before being understood." That’s it.
This simple thought, popularized by Stephen Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, can change your entire mindset and can get you back on track. It sounds simple, but it’s profound. And it works. Once you try to understand your partner before you try to get him or her to understand you, your communication skills, no matter how rudimentary, take a quantum leap.
Head / Heart Self-Test
Here’s a short questionnaire to help you gauge your ability to empathize with your partner. That is; your ability to both sympathize AND understand - to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.
Here’s the test - take it and talk it through together - The Head / Heart Self-Test
