happily marred

Here’s the next logical section on marital duties. This time, it’s the women’s turn in the basket. Again, some of these concepts feel foreign to my ears, but they are based in scripture.

My feeling is that, it takes a more than following a recipe to apply these concepts to our lives. The bible is written for us in the context of our faith and acceptance of Christ, not assuming our worldview is taken from the society we live in. Therefore, some instructions require adaptation to our time and place in history as Christians.

Again, here’s the chapter in full:

from "Reforming Marriage" by Douglas Wilson

Biblical Duties of Wives

In any discussion of a wife’s duties, we must understand the context of these duties. The previous section did not just give us “the husbands’ part,” with this section giving us “the wives’ part.” Rather, all the responsibilities for wives listed below can legitimately be added to the husbands’ list of responsibilities. Not only is he responsible before God to do his job, he is responsible before God to see that she does hers. And of course, this is not done by bossing her around. It is done through nourishing and cherishing her.

First, as noted previously, a wife must respect her husband (Eph. 5:22, 33). The fundamental duty of the husband is to love his wife. By way of contrast, the fundamental duty of the wife is to respect her husband. Man and woman are oriented to one another so differently that their fundamental duties to one another are different as well. Respect in this situation entails both honor and obedience. Now of course wives are to love their husbands because the Bible requires all believers to love their neighbors as themselves. But when the Bible turns to particular wifeiy duties, the emphasis is upon respect and not love.

A wife should also, under the providence of God, bear children. “Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control” (1 Tim. 2:15). Furthermore, she should nurture those children, and care for them with great tenderness. “But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children” (1 Thes. 2:7). This is not just given as an example, it is positively commanded—”admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children” (Tit. 2:4).

A wife must not complain in her fruitfulness. The fruitfulness of childbearing and childrearing is frequently very hard work. How could it not be? Nevertheless, it is God’s doing (Gen. 3:16), and it is the wife’s duty to submit to the will of God and gladly bear children for her husband.

Incidentally, she should not boast in her fruitfulness either. All boasting should be in the Lord. Sometimes, in reaction to the “anti-children” mentality of the modern world, some Christian women have taken to bearing children almost as an act of defiance and rebellion. But we must not be reactionaries against the world; rather, we must all live before the Lord. The biblical response to fruitfulness is that of gladness.

The Bible also gives wives the duty of being industrious in the home. Paul instructs Titus to have “the older women [be] teachers of good things—that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed” (Tit. 2:3—5). The instruction is that the younger women are to be homemakers, involved in domestic pursuits. Not only are they to be home, they are to be productive at home. Industry in the home means hard work in cleaning, cooking, child-rearing, and so forth. It is possible to disobey God through neglect of the dishes.

Of course this is hard work, especially when the little ones are young. Many wives, when they go through this experience, are tempted to treat “being tired” as though it were a symptom of having done something wrong. Rather, it is a symptom of having done many things right.

If a woman is competent, and she should be, in due time her industry will take her outside the home (Prov. 31:10— 31). The Bible does not teach that the woman’s place is in the home; it requires that the home be her priority, but she is not at all limited to the home.

A related duty requires that a wife keep the home wellsupplied with food and clothing. “She is like the merchant ships, she brings her food from afar.. . . She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed with scarlet” (Prov. 31:14,21). If her husband works hard to supply her with money for these needs, as he is required to do, then she must be a responsible steward of what he gives. She is not to be frivolous. Shopping should be treated, not as entertainment and luxury but as work. As a steward involved in work, she must be diligent.

A wife must meet her husband’s sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:2—5). This involves more than just being “willing” whenever “he wants it”; it involves being a responsive lover.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down in his shade with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me. I charge you, 0 daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. (Song 2:3—7)

God has given the sexual relationship in marriage as a protection against immorality. It is important that this purpose be remembered, especially by wives. Women have a tendency to be insulted at their husbands’ temptations, and an insulted and offended wife is no protection at all.

A wife must carefully avoid nagging and arguing. We are told the “contentions of a wife are a continual dripping” (Prov. 19:13). Solomon also reminds us that a “continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; .whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15—16). God has given women great abilities with the tongue, and they must use this ability to help their husbands. A wise woman knows the power of her words, and so conforms them to the Word of God. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness (Prov. 31:26). A foolish woman just thinks the house needs the constant background noise, and tears the place down with her tongue.

The Bible also teaches that a wife should be a disciple of her husband. “Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church” (1 Cor. 14:34—35). A husband should be instructing and teaching his wife. She should not make this duty of his superfluous by going elsewhere for the instruction. There is no inconsistency between submission and intelligence. In this regard it is good for wives to remember Abigail, a beautiful, submissive, and intelligent woman (1 Sam. 25:3,41).

A Christian wife should be hard-working in works of charity. On this the Bible is really quite plain. When Paul is considering the kind of widow who may be supported by the Christian church, he sets the standard high.

Do not let a widow under sixty years old be taken into the number, and not unless she has been the wife of one man, well reported for good works: if she has brought up children, if she has lodged strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she has relieved the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good work. (1 Tim. 5:9—10)

We also have the example of the productivity of the ideal wife of Proverbs. “She extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy” (Prov. 31:20).

A woman who understands all these duties, and labors faithfully at them, is frankly a woman who is priceless. Her husband has received a great blessing, as he well knows. So have the children, and all who come into contact with that household. ‘Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies” (Prov. 31:10).

More Discussion Starters

Here’s another list like last week’s. A few questions to get a conversation going. It will help build intimacy in your marriage and within the group. Try a few on your next road trip or quiet dinner.

more discussion starters

I’ve been reading a great book on marriage entitled "Reforming Marriage" by Douglas Wilson. It is an unapologetic description of marriage as defined by scripture. I call it "unapologetic" because I am unacustomed to hearing some of the language and concepts when speaking of modern marriages. I have reproduced a portion of the book here for you to read in it’s entirety. I’ll post the rest of this chapter next week. It’s an eye opener.

Don’t neglect to check out the discussion starter list at the end of this post too.

from "Reforming Marriage" by Douglas Wilson

The Privileges of Marital Duty

In thinking about marriage, we tend to think that spontaneous actions are genuine while others performed from a sense of duty are stifled, artificial, and contrived. We especially think this way if we are considering questions “of the heart.” Doing one’s duty is thought to be restrictive to true love.

But the Bible defines love as a whole-hearted keeping of God’s commandments. The greatest act of love was certainly the death of Christ for His people, and that act of love was not offered on an emotional high. It was a bitter grief for Christ to drink the cup of God’s wrath, but that grief does not take away from His love for us; rather, it adds to it.

When we come to our duties gladly, it helps us to discipline our emotions. When we come to our duties with the knowledge that God has framed them for us and has assigned all marital duties appropriately, we can rejoice in His goodness. The result is not a negation of spontaneity, but rather a disciplining of it.

Biblical Duties of the Husband
In both the Hebrew of the Old Testament, and the Greek of the New Testament, the word for husband is usually just the word for “a man,” with the context showing that it is a husband who is in mind. However, another fairly common word in Hebrew for husband is baal, which means “master, or lord.” And in Greek, there are at least two instances of this sort of usage: kurios, which means “lord,” and hupandros, which means “man above.” The English word husband is a wonderful word which encompasses all of these biblical descriptions of a married man. There is the connotation of lordship, but it is a lordship involving great care, sacrifice, and tenderness.

A husband must always remember that as a husband he is a living picture of the Lord Jesus. This remembrance is his first duty in marriage. Since, as a husband, a man is speaking constantly about the Lord’s relationship to His people, he ought to seek to speak truthfully as well. The way the man treats his wife will determine whether he is speaking the truth about Christ or not. But he does not have the option of remaining silent; he is speaking all the time. This is because the Lord is a husband, and all husbands are therefore a representation of Him.

Because his relationship is speaking of Christ and the church all the time, he must learn to imitate Christ in character as well. This points to a man’s second duty. The Bible is very clear that the Lord is a husband to His people. “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name .“ (Is. 54:5; cf. Jer. 31:32; Rev. 21:2; Eph. 5:23).

As a man seeks to imitate the Lord in his duties, he must be a husbandman to his wife. This means he must nourish and cherish her in the same way that he cares for his own body (Eph. 5:29). The word “nourish” is ektrepho, which means “to feed, bring up to maturity.” The word “cherish” is thalpo, and means “to keep warm, to cherish with tender love.” A man who does not take particular and tender care of his wife, and who then expects her to be fruitful and lovely, is not being a true husband at all; he is a dolt—the Greek word for this is probably meathead. A man must love his wife sacrificially (Eph. 5:25), and he must not expect anything but weeds unless he tends the garden with extraordinary care.

This is related to a third duty; which is that of jealousy. This perhaps jars our modern sensibilities; we are accustomed to view jealousy as a personal problem, rather than as a virtue to encourage and cultivate. This opinion, or reaction, is simply more evidence of how far we have fallen from biblical convictions concerning marriage. A husband must be jealous and protective. Paul uses this image of a good husband to exhort the Corinthian Christians to faithfulness. “For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ” (2 Cor. 11:2). In following the Lord, Christian men must remember that God’s name is Jealous. “. . . the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” (Exod. 34:14). It is true that jealousy can be wrong and destructive whenever it is driven by any bitterness, resentment, or malice. But the same could be said for many other attitudes; if mixed with sin, they become sinful! Jealousy does not need to be mixed with sin. And under numerous circumstances, it is a sin not to be jealous.

But there are also very mundane duties involved with being a godly husband. For example, a husband must supply his wife with the food she needs. We can see this in a law given to ancient Israel, where a man was not permitted to defraud his first wife of certain marital rights through his polygamy. “If he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights. And if he does not do these three for her, then she shall go out free, without paying money” (Exod. 21:10—Il). We see here that one of the duties of a husband is to see to it that his wife has the money she needs for groceries. Put another way, a man may not shake himself free of certain basic marital obligations simply through taking another woman. It follows that the provision of food is one of those obligations. In the New Testament, we see that a man who does not take care of his extended family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Tim. 5:8). What then can we say of a man who does not take care of his immediate family, by neglecting his wife? Neglect of a man’s wife in this fashion is the equivalent of apostasy—it is a denial of Christ, who feeds His bride. In the same way, the Bible requires that a husband must supply his wife with the clothing she needs (Exod. 21:10).

A husband must also meet his wife’s sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:3—4; Exod. 21:10). In this regard, his body belongs to her. Paul uses very strong language with regard to this; he says that this is an area where the wife exercises authority over her husband. “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Cor. 7:3—4).

As one aspect of this, a husband must not deny his wife an opportunity to bear children. “And Judah said to Onan, ‘Go in to your brother’s wife and marry her, and raise up an heir to your brother.’ But Onan knew that the heir would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in to his brother’s wife, that he emitted on the ground, lest he should give an heir to his brother” (Gen. 38:8—9). The Lord struck Onan down, not because of a particular sexual act, but rather because of the fraud involved. It is necessary to remember that sexual activity is not seen in the Bible as merely a recreational indoor sport. It is not just recreation; it is recreative. The duty to provide wives with an opportunity for having children may seem “bizarre” to the modern mind. But this simply shows us how little modern husbands nourish and cherish their wives.

The Bible is very plain about another duty of husbands as well. A husband must be content with his wife (Prov. 5:15—23; Mt. 5:28). He is prohibited from coveting the wife of another man. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife” (Exod. 20:17). Not only must he not long after the wife of someone else, he is positively commanded to be content with the wife he has.

Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. (Prov. 5:15—1 9)

Specifically, a man is commanded to be satisfied with his wife’s breasts and to be enraptured with her love. To compare a woman with others, whether silently or aloud, whether with words or actions, is always destructive. And the more comparisons are made, the less contentment is possible. A husband must be content in all areas; consequently, comparisons must be avoided in all areas, whether involving beauty, cooking, intelligence, imagined sexual responsiveness, whatever.
For men it is particularly important to be content in the sexual area. This is much easier if a husband is doing what he should be doing in his other areas of responsibility.

Another duty involves the ongoing responsibility that a husband has to review and approve commitments made by his wife. Every vow and every binding oath to afflict her soul, her husband may confirm it, or her husband may make it void. Now if her husband makes no response whatever to her from day to day, then he confirms all her vows or all the agreements that bind her; he confirms them, because he made no response to her on the day that he heard them. But if he does make them void after he has heard them, then he shall bear her guilt. (Num. 30:13—15)
We should recognize that when a husband says nothing, he is approving and leading by default. Whether he speaks or is silent, a man cannot cease being the head of the home. He can do it badly or well, but he cannot escape from the responsibility God has placed upon him.

So…Talk!

Ever get stuck for a subject when your spouse just wants to talk about something? Here are some questions that will definitely start a talk - how it ends up is somewhat dependent upon your own communication skills, but you will learn a few things in any case. Here’s the list: discussion starters

Communication is not an event, even though we’ve talked about specific love languages and ways of communicating. It sometimes sounds as if we’re training for an event that will take place and if we have the technical aspects down we’ll succeed.

However, it is not an event in time, but more like breathing; an ongoing process. Love languages are great, but love is not always what we are trying to communicate. More often than not, the things we need to interact with each other about is a lot more pedestrian and uninteresting.

In those times, when we are just trying to get the job done, convey some information or work out a plan of action, we are the least likely to be thinking about how we are communicating and most likely to do it poorly.

Gary Chapman has identified some patterns of poor communication and calls them the 4 “fowls”. He also says that we learn these patterns primarily from our parents. Underlying them all is the intent to manipulate, to maintain emotional stability and/or to feel good about ourselves.

The Dove: Peace at Any Price

One partner placates the other to avoid his/her wrath. “that’s fine with me” “whatever makes you happy”. They are always trying to please the other person, often apologizing even for minor things that “may” irritate the partner. They almost never disagree.

With this kind of communication, resentment builds as they withdraw emotionally to protect themselves. The arguments are rare, but there is no relationship.

Romans 12:18 “If possible on your part, live at peace with everyone”

The Hawk: It’s Your Fault

The hawk blames the spouse for everything. “you never do anything right”, “I don’t understand how you could be so stupid”.

Hawks appear to be strong and beligerent. Often they are emotionally weak and feel bad about themselves. The fault-finding pattern is designed to meet their own emotional weakness. If the spouse has a high level of self esteem, the relationship may be characterized by periods of verbal battleing, if low, the spouse may appear meek, weak and oppressed.

Everyone knows that no one is right all the time, but hawks don’t wait for the answer to the accusation, they just want to make the accusation.

The Owl: Let’s Be Reasonable”

The owl, like a computer, can emulate perfectly reasonable communication skills, argue to logical conclusions and reason out conflicts. However, they are emotionally disengaged. The owl sees himself as reasonable and intellectual. he prides himself on showing no emotion. He waits out the storm of an emotional outburst, then continues to reason.

The problem is that it is hard to develop intimacy without emotion or passion. This behavior is usually a compensation for feelings of inadequacy. If he can control emotions, he feels secure.

Isaiah 1:18 “come now, let us reason together”

The Ostrich: Ignore It And It Will Go Away

This behavior is rooted in a fear of arguing – it feels insecure, unsteady. He ignores the others actions and comments – he does not respond. Conversations are often disconnected and inconclusive. If the person is a doer rather than a talker, he will be engaged in several different unrelated activities at the same time. It is hard to have a cogent discussion because there are rarely any conclusions – he holds few solid convictions.

Jonah 4:2-3 everything will work out anyway.

If you are guilty of one of these patterns of communication, there are steps you can take to change it and start engaging in a more healthy interchange.

1. Identify the pattern.

2. Admit that it’s detrimental and that you do it.

3. Decide that you want it to change.

Healthy communication is largely a choice once you have the knowledge to recognize unhealthy patterns (Eph. 4:22 put off the old man and put on the new.)

It is important to identify these patterns of behavior and begin to change them, but they can be just as detrimental used as tools rather than templates.

In our interactions with each other we adopt many of the characteristics of these behaviors from time to time as we seek an advantage in arguing, as we try to manipulate our partner, try to win. They are just as destructive that way – perhaps more so because you are all the more conscious of what you are doing.

Breaking The Pattern

Rather than resort to war strategies, when stuck in a communication meltdown, get out your "cheat sheet," which will remind you what’s truly important in communication. It’s only one sentence: "Seek to understand before being understood." That’s it.

This simple thought, popularized by Stephen Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, can change your entire mindset and can get you back on track. It sounds simple, but it’s profound. And it works. Once you try to understand your partner before you try to get him or her to understand you, your communication skills, no matter how rudimentary, take a quantum leap.

Head / Heart Self-Test

Here’s a short questionnaire to help you gauge your ability to empathize with your partner. That is; your ability to both sympathize AND understand - to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.

Here’s the test - take it and talk it through together - The Head / Heart Self-Test