Contracts and Covenants
Many Christian couples have a contract mentality in their marriages. They negotiate contracts with each other and then try to force each other to live up to them. This often generates resentment, hurt and anger.
Of course, civilly, marriage itself is a contract. Breach of the marriage contract by divorce invites the state in to make an equitable settlement of marriage assets and custody issues. Our Christian based society has placed such importance on the institution of marriage and the creation of children, that we have given the state power to regulate our marriage contracts.
Legal contracts specify that one person will do something if the other will do something in return. If either party fails to comply with the obligation, their is legal recourse – a lawsuit, fine, jail, etc.
Outside of the marriage itself, the informal contracts we make don’t have that force of law. It is simply a moral obligation to fulfill your end of the deal, so we devise our own consequences for the breach of that contract. How do you punish your spouse for breaking a contract?
Now, of course, we don’t call these agreements contracts. However, as strange as it may sound, if we did treat them like the contracts they are, they may last longer than the informal contracts we make with each other because there would be some enforcement function; some disincentive to break the agreement.
There is nothing wrong with these informal contracts. They help us divide responsibilities and identify our individual strengths, weaknesses and suitablities for certain jobs. The problem that arises is when we begin to see our marriage only as a series of contracts.
The bible views marriage as a covenant relationship. Contracts help to accomplish tasks and functions, but the relationship is covenant in nature. Confusing them sets up an adversarial relationship like lawyers in a courtroom.
Here are some characteristics of contracts and covenants:
Contracts:
Are limited by time
Are motivated by a desire to get something we want
Are mutually binding and beneficial
Can be legal or informal
Deal with specific actions
Can be implicit or explicit
Have a recourse
It take 2
Covenants:
Are permanent
Are for the benefit of another person
Are an unconditional promise
Require a deed or seal
Are based on steadfast love
There is no recourse
Requires confrontation and forgiveness
It take only 1
In a covenant marriage, each spouse is committed to the other’s well being. Obviously if they both keep the commitment, both will benefit, but what if they don’t? What happens then?
How to start changing to a covenant relationship from a contractual relationship
Ask –
How can I help you?
How can I make your life easier?
How can I be a better husband (or wife) to you?
This is Jesus’ example of servant leadership. God’s plan for marriage is that 2 people will give their lives away to each other, reserving nothing. The goal is not to have a good marriage, it is to serve and in doing so to have a good marriage, a good ministry, enjoy God to the fullest and glorify him.
Marriage Mission Statement
It is God’s intent for us as married couples that we accomplish more for him together than we ever could have individually.Writing a mission statement helps us to recall our purpose when other things in life beg our attention and to get on track when we are diverted by problems, setbacks and even tragedy.
Click here to fill out your Marriage Mission Statement.
