happily marred

We watched and discussed a video tonite on when not to talk by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.

The main point of the session was that you will definitely NOT have your best communication when one of you is not fully engaged. There are many reasons why your spouse may not be receptive to talking, interested in the subject or able to concentrate at the moment.

One guy in the video mentioned that when he got home from work, he needed to "zone out" for a while because he was with people all day and he needed to disengage before connecting with his wife. One woman said she didn’t want to be interrupted when she was already doing something that required her attention (1 thing at a time for her I guess).

Others mentioned; raging hormones, unreasonable anger and sickness as reasons to put off conversations about important things. Another guy used an anagram to know when not to talk: HALT - don’t talk when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

I don’t think, in our married life, I ever considered it "fair" to call off a conversation, especially an argument, for any of these reasons. I just assumed it would be a "cop-out" and to do it would be conceding the point. This opened our minds to the possibility that we may stand a better chance of coming to agreement by delaying talking until both people can fully give themselves to the subject.

The last admonition on the video was to not use this as an excuse to avoid certain subjects or put off unpleasant tasks.

Now, would I do that?

Recreational Activities Inventory

Before we married, much of our time together revolved around doing recreational things we loved to do and doing them together. Once married we often tend to go our separate ways pursuing those things we like most.

There’s nothing wrong with playing golf with your friends, shopping with others and doing things with folks who share your interests. However, we don’t want to miss the opportunity to be with the one you love when you are enjoying life the most! It’s a free deposit in the love bank. You associate your spouse with having fun.

This questionnaire might help you re-connect on some of those recreational activities you used to do together and discover some areas where you might develop a new interest.

Strangely enough, Vickie and I both expressed an interest in skydiving when we did the inventory - why not?

Try it yourself here: Recreational Activities Inventory

Thanks to George Davis for visiting with us last night and sharing his story.

I hope none of us have to deal with the number of health problems, heartbreaks and disappointments that George has had, but trouble is something we all will deal with at some time - financial problems, wayward children, health problems and even death.

Marriage is one of the tools God has given us to deal with problems and He recognizes the practicality of two heads being better than one to address the problems of life!

 8    There was a man all alone;
       he had neither son nor brother.
       There was no end to his toil,
       yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
       "For whom am I toiling," he asked,
       "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"
       This too is meaningless—
       a miserable business!

Many Christian couples have a contract mentality in their marriages. They negotiate contracts with each other and then try to force each other to live up to them. This often  generates resentment, hurt and anger.

Of course, civilly, marriage itself is a contract. Breach of the marriage contract by divorce invites the state in to make an equitable settlement of marriage assets and custody issues. Our Christian based society has placed such importance on the institution of marriage and the creation of children, that we have given the state power to regulate our marriage contracts.

Legal contracts specify that one person will do something if the other will do something in return. If either party fails to comply with the obligation, their is legal recourse – a lawsuit, fine, jail, etc.

Outside of the marriage itself, the informal contracts we make don’t have that force of law. It is simply a moral obligation to fulfill your end of the deal, so we devise our own consequences for the breach of that contract. How do you punish your spouse for breaking a contract?

Now, of course, we don’t call these agreements contracts. However, as strange as it may sound, if we did treat them like the contracts they are, they may last longer than the informal contracts we make with each other because there would be some enforcement function; some disincentive to break the agreement.

There is nothing wrong with these informal contracts. They help us divide responsibilities and identify our individual strengths, weaknesses and suitablities for certain jobs. The problem that arises is when we begin to see our marriage only as a series of contracts.

The bible views marriage as a covenant relationship. Contracts help to accomplish tasks and functions, but the relationship is covenant in nature. Confusing them sets up an adversarial relationship like lawyers in a courtroom.

Here are some characteristics of contracts and covenants:

Contracts:
 Are limited by time
 Are motivated by a desire to get something we want
 Are mutually binding and beneficial
 Can be legal or informal
 Deal with specific actions
 Can be implicit or explicit
 Have a recourse
 It take 2

Covenants:
 Are permanent 
 Are for the benefit of another person
 Are an unconditional promise
 Require a deed or seal
 Are based on steadfast love
 There is no recourse
 Requires confrontation and forgiveness
 It take only 1

In a covenant marriage, each spouse is committed to the other’s well being. Obviously if they both keep the commitment, both will benefit, but what if they don’t? What happens then?

How to start changing to a covenant relationship from a contractual relationship
         
         
Ask –
          How can I help you?
          How can I make your life easier?
          How can I be a better husband (or wife) to you?

This is Jesus’ example of servant leadership. God’s plan for marriage is that 2 people will give their lives away to each other, reserving nothing. The goal is not to have a good marriage, it is to serve and in doing so to have a good marriage, a good ministry, enjoy God to the fullest and glorify him.

Marriage Mission Statement

It is God’s intent for us as married couples that we accomplish more for him together than we ever could have individually.Writing a mission statement helps us to recall our purpose when other things in life beg our attention and to get on track when we are diverted by problems, setbacks and even tragedy.

Click here to fill out your Marriage Mission Statement.