Some Differences Between Men and Women
Our modern society has an egalitarian worldview. That is, as a society, we view everyone as a civilly, politically and morally equivalent being. 
The greatest evocation of this ideal is the preamble to our own constitution – “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal”. Some groups even go so far as to view other species as morally equal. (This is called “being stupid”).
Because of this paradigm. it is sometimes hard to recognize the inherent, built in differences between men and women - those differences that are by design, not a result of environmental factors.
Time magazine had a cover in 1992 that read “Why are Men and Women Different?” “ … new studies show they are born that way” The Christian says “duh!”. For if there are differences in men and women from birth, God made them that way and he did so for a purpose and that purpose was not so it could be an eternal mystery, but so we could fulfill the roles he intended.
Differences in Values
This polled information is from a 1982 book by Carol Gilligan. I shows how men and women think differently about what is fair and how fairness should be adjudicated. the study identified 2 distinct approaches. The first being justice focus; the rule of law, logical arguments and making rules. The other, care focus; talking things over, compromise, compassion. The study showed that:
90% of men and women use both care and justice values; however, 65% focus on one value more than the other, as follows:
Men: 93% have a justice focus;
7% have a care focus;
0% have justice absent;
38% have care absent
(62% have some care).
Women: 62% have a care focus;
38% have a justice focus;
23% have justice absent;
8% have care absent
(92% have some care)
Because of this disparity, Freud posited that men were morally superior beings. Able to dispassionately adjudicate a problem unencumbered by the emotion tied up in the care and concern for individuals. Obviously Freud’s personal concept of “morality” was secular and influenced by his own “justice focus”.
Differences in Intelligence?
“While there are essentially no disparities in general intelligence between the sexes, a UC Irvine study has found significant differences in brain areas where males and females manifest their intelligence.
The study shows women having more white matter and men more gray matter related to intellectual skill, revealing that no single neuroanatomical structure determines general intelligence and that different types of brain designs are capable of producing equivalent intellectual performance.
Differences in Communication
In her book, You Just Don’t Understand, Deborah Tanen asserts that “even if they grow up in the same neighborhood, on the same block, or in the same house, girls and boys grow up in different worlds or words.” These gender differences in ways of talking have been observed in children as young as three years of age, about the time language is developed. While little girls talk to be liked; little boys often talk to boast. Little girls make requests; little boys make demands. Little girls speak to create harmony; little boys prolong conflict. Little girls talk more indirectly; little boys talk directly. Little girls talk more with words; little boys use more actions. While boys and girls both want to get their way, they use language differently to do so.
Body language is also used differently by men and women. While women typically use nonverbal communication directly, men use it indirectly. Women stand in close proximity to each other, maintain eye contact, and gesture more frequently. Men hold their distance, rarely establish eye contact, and gestures less dramatically. Men and women also handle conflict differently. While women avoid conflict in order to insure closeness, men use conflict to gain status. These are just a few of the common differences in gender communication.
Men and women express gender communication differences in content, style, and structure. What do men and women talk about? Men often talk about sports, money, and business; women most often discuss people, feelings, and relationships. Why do men and women talk? Men often express themselves to fix a problem, converse for competition, and talk to resolve problems. Women most often express themselves to understand, converse to support, and talk to connect. How do men and women talk? Men typically use precise words, to the point, without descriptive details. Women are more detailed, apologetic, and vague.
women tend toward internal debates, good/ bad thinking and sorting behavior. Men’s thinking typically has few words (i.e., what feels right usually causes the next action).
Contrary to popular wisdom, some researchers conclude that women are more logical than men and men are more intuitive than women (on average). Seems wrong, doesn’t it?
Differences in the way we communicate with each other affect every relationship and the bible admonishes us to communicate effectively:
Men and women are to control their tongues (James 3:1-12)
and speak only words of kindness (Eph. 4:29, 32).
The Book of Proverbs discusses the importance of listening with understanding to others who speak (Prov. 11:12; 18:2, 13; 29:20).
Jesus admonished His disciples to discuss conflict with a sinning brother (Matt. 1:15)
and “love our neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39).
Mature Christians realize that clear, loving, encouraging communication among His children is the desire of Christ’s heart.
Improving Communication Between Christian Men and Women
Obviously communication in our marriages is our focus here, but beyond even that, our primary purpose as a body, the church, is to spread the gospel. How much more effective we are when we can identify those differences and communicate through them and with them rather than being bottlenecked by them. Here are a few ways to start better communication.
1. Become aware of your own communication style. Each person has a unique style of communication. Listen to your own speech. Evaluate your words, your tone of voice, and your body language. Compare your own communication style with that of individuals whom you judge to be effective communicators. Self-evaluation is an important first step in improving gender communication.
2. Understand the communication style of the opposite sex. You may be unfamiliar with the unique communication style of the other gender. Listen carefully to the opposite sex around you - your spouse, your child, your parent, and your friends. Make observations in their conversation. What do they say? How do they say it? When do they speak? Why do they speak? Discuss these conversational differences at an appropriate time, not when conflict arises. Try to determine if your perceptions are accurate. Then you are ready to make some changes in order to communicate more effectively with the opposite sex
3. Adjust to those conversational styles. You may think it is impossible to change the way you communicate since you have been talking that way for years. Remember that communication is a learned behavior and behavior can be modified! If you tend to lecture or “report - talk”, maybe you should work on better listening and discussing feelings not just facts. If you tend to speak in vague generalities, maybe you should work on more detail and specific information in your conversation. If your indirect body language is confusing your verbal message, maybe you should consciously work on gestures that clarify and confirm your words. Both men and women should work on improving their communication
4. Alter your conversational style to fit the context. Effective communication is adapted appropriately to fit the setting. Some comments are best made in private while others can be shared in public. Some statements are appropriate for a group at church while others should be made to your best friend.
5. Don’t assume that the opposite sex understands your message. Just because the message is clear to you does not mean that it is clear to the listener. In fact, one of the biggest mistakes in communication is assumption. It is always best to explain the message thoroughly than run the risk of being misunderstood.
Here are a few suggestions for women trying to get through to a man on his own terms. Frankly, we feel like it’s primarily the man’s responsibility to keep communication open, but these insights are invaluable tools for a woman trying to be heard.
1. She must reduce her quantity of words. After a certain length of time he will tune her out no matter what. He must be more truthful about when he starts tuning out and why.
2. She must be careful about preciseness. An accusation that he never takes out the garbage when he knows he took it out once three months ago may lead to his rejecting everything she says. He must express how he is affected by such globalizing comments.
3. In his seminars on relationships Gary Smalley describes a method he calls word pictures. This method involves communicating feelings by word pictures.
Communication - Couple Communication Strengths
Here’s a short form you can fill out and compare with your spouse. It may help you identify areas of communication weaknesses and strengths. Don’t read too much into it - it’;s just a hint and these things change regularly as you work at communication and our relationships change. But it does help to find out areas we need to try a little harder.
