Keeping Short Accounts
Marriage problems are overwhelmingly sin problems which mean we must know how to deal with temptation and sin within our marriage. It’s important that we understand God’s provision for sin on the cross and the importance of biblical confession. 
Keeping short accounts means not postponing confession of sin to each other. The best example I have heard is of a home. If we learn to pick up things immediately, the house stays clean. If, like a certain unnamed teenager living in our house, things are dropped and left, it soon becomes an overwhelming house cleaning job.
The way we might unintentionally drift into unconfessed sin as Christians, we can do the same in our marriages and in the same way, it robs us of the joy of that relationship. Like a child that is out of relationship with its parents due to disobedience, the sin certainly does affect the quality of your relationship. Oh, you’re still saved, the kid is still your child, the woman still your wife, but the lines are down and all, most or some communication cannot take place.
In all these relationships, the accumulation of sins, offenses or disobedience inevitably leads to more of the same because communication is broken down. Therefore, even a minor offense which would normally be confessed, forgiven and dismissed instead is compounded and added to the list even though you may have every intention of doing the right thing as soon as the opportunity presents itself; after counseling, when the kids go to bed, when you complete your 12 steps, etc. In the meantime your fellowship is hindered and other sins flood in.
If the sin problem could be fixed by the passage of time, Christ need not have died for ours – we could just wait it out. Just like picking up in your house, your confession needs to be immediate.
Next, restitution is needed. If you steal something, an apology doesn’t amount to much without the return of the goods. In your marriage, restitution is mostly just a godly apology.
Mostly in our relationships, we learn to offer and accept a watered down version that goes something like “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I don’t know what got into me” and then: “I know you didn’t mean it, that’s OK”
It’s NOT OK! First off, you DID mean it and it needs to be confessed as sin, not cast aside as something your evil twin did when you weren’t looking.
The person offended forgives you because it’s easier to do if they convince themselves that the “real you” didn’t do it, because if the “real you” did it on purpose, it would be much harder to truly forgive. Here’s a real apology:
“I was really mad this morning and I should not have been. I said those things to you to hurt you, they weren’t true and I offended you and God by saying them. Would you accept my apology?”
This is a simplistic answer and real life restitution might require much more to restore the marriage relationship. In my own life restitution has required 100%, 24 hour a day accountability, no questions asked, no complaints, for as long as it took, which was a long time. That was hard, but it worked.
By the way - your apology must not be a backhanded way to get an apology. You must confess your sin, not hers – provoked or not. You are not excused from this process by claiming you were provoked by an act of commission or omission.
Lastly, be specific. It clarifies your role in the sin, it lets your spouse know you see and understand it and it’s easier to see it coming next time and check your self before falling into a pattern of sin.
Now, especially if a husband and wife have been at odds for a long period of time, It’s not necessary to elucidate every instance of sin by name, but it does mean that every area of sin needs to be addressed – lustfulness, verbal abuse, etc. If there is a history of problems already, chances are, your spouse already knows most of the specifics.
So – what are the chances that you can even agree on what the problem or problems are? She thinks it’s everything, he thinks it’s just a few things. With the abundance of counseling available, communication guides and marriage seminars, there is precious little marriage guidance asking you to just identify sin as sin. lust is not sex addiction, verbal abuse of your wife is not leadership; disrespect to your husband is not feminism. It’s all sin and it’s based on good old fashioned self-centeredness.
Work on your communication skills, find ways to invigorate your marriage, nothing wrong with good Christian counseling either, but when sin is the problem, Christ is the solution.
Communication – Finding The Time
The one thing you can’t re-cycle is wasted time. But you can often find time for that which matters most – if you will look for it. I’m the worst. I don’t have a day-timer, I put events in Outlook…sometimes. My schedule drives me. We’re going to try to be more purposeful in our time to talk.
I realized it Sunday. Vickie took an “accidental turn” towards the Peddlers Mall after I had told her I didn’t particularly want to go. I magnanimously acquiesced to go and walked along with reserved interest, making sure I got credit for the sacrifice. After a while Vickie said “I dreamed of doing this today with you, just chatting and looking at the antiques…” Dreamed of chatting and walking??!! With me?? This girl needs to get out more.
……exactly.
Here’s a short questionnaire that might help start a conversation about prioritizing your time and finding more of it to spend together.
